Should I stay or should I go now?

Christchurch Pledge Dilemma

Having been woken at 3:57 am this morning with a 4.0M shake that tipped things over in the house, I really am still unsure about whether I am ready to sign The Pledge for Christchurch. Don’t get me wrong. This is the City I was born in and have lived in for all but two years of my life. Those two years away were spent on the Kiwi Rite of Passage – the Big OE in England and Europe.

My first instinct after the February 22 quake, was to run, and I did. Four weeks of running, though, do not help to move my life forward when I own a house in the mid-zone (St Albans), have a cat to look after that was left in the care of strangers (thanks Ali Cats Cat Inn Cattery), and am relying on the charity of family, friends, acquaintances and even complete strangers.

I’ve tried to be brave throughout the earthquakes, but after a while the stress does take it’s toll. It took a lot of courage to stay in Christchurch after the September quake, especially when it meant returning to work in a building that was 150 years old and showing some signs of damage.

Then, after the Boxing Day quake, I never felt safe walking around the CBD, let alone going to work each day. If I hadn’t been working in the family business, I believe I would have started to seriously look at moving somewhere less shaky then.

I feel incredibly lucky about February 22. At 12:51pm, I could have been anywhere in the CBD, such as Cashel Mall, or in the Links Centre, where deaths occurred. I usually was out and about at that time buying lunch, but some feeling kept me at work for just a bit longer…

Of course, I don’t like to dwell on those thoughts too much. It doesn’t pay to. But each rattle, rumble, shake and loud noise gets my heart beating so badly I’m not sure I can handle staying here much longer. And with being locked out of my place of work, as well as many of my favourite ‘haunts’ now destroyed, then I really must think about what’s best for me in the short, medium and even long term. Besides, I had been planning on moving from Christchurch for a while now, so any future move  is based on that and not on a ‘knee jerk reaction’ to what happened in the latest Christchurch Earthquake.

I know I’m not alone. I talk with many people about this dilemma. I even connect with people on Facebook who have the same questions running through their mind, probably to the tune of The Clash’s song: Should I stay or should I go now?

You can imagine my shock, then, when I came across a comment on Facebook directed at someone who had left the city because it all became too much for them.

“… and maybe those that do a runner never had their hearts here in the first place …and where the heart is for me is where my family, friends and memories are. Christchurch needs people who love her – for it is they who will ensure her rebuild is done with pride and honour.”

The person who made this comment obviously feels that only those who remain in the city are the only ones who love Christchurch. Nothing could be further from the truth. The person who ‘ran’ has emailed me based on a follow up comment I made, and I learned that she left because her heart, like mine, is shattered over what has happened. Fear finally drove her away, leaving her home, her family and friends behind. However, she still carries with her the feelings and memories of 46 years of living in The Garden City.

Does this mean she loves it any less that the person who has stayed? Not at all.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

I confess this is one of the questions that raced through my head (and that of others) as the buildings in the CBD came crashing down around us during the Christchurch Quake on February 22nd. Should we stay and try to save lives or should we go and therefore save our own lives?

In conversations with people days and weeks later, it turns out that those of us who, like me, had absolutely training in rescue procedures did the right thing by leaving the CBD. We would have been more of a hindrance than a help, and possibly even ended up needing rescuing ourselves. This doesn’t help with the ‘survivor guilt’ feelings that come up from time to time. If only I’d…

If only I’d done what?

Walking out of the city, I did scan the areas, seeing if people other than my immediate concerns needed help, but always there seemed to be plenty of people already helping them. My judgement call was “save myself first so that in the future I can help others recover through my writing and speaking engagements…”

But, back to my current dilemma.

Should I stay, adding further stress on myself and my health, not to mention our infrastructure? Especially as my nature, background, skills and experience do not seem to be what is required in the short term survival/recovery phase our city is in.

Or should I go now? If I do, am I really abandoning the city and the people in its time of need?

And does this really mean I love Christchurch any less? No.

This is my biggest dilemma. As you know, I’m putting the finishing touches on my book Cafe Reflections on Christchurch Heritage – Cafes and Live in the CBD 1975 – 2011. This is my ‘memorial’ to the city I was born, raised, lived, loved and worked in for 40 years. It is being written with my heart, soul and pride being poured into the book. A portion of the proceeds will be donated back to the city to help with rebuild.

But does this mean I have to remain physically in the city to ensure it is rebuilt with pride and honour? Especially if by doing so, I feel I am putting my own safety and even sanity at risk as my stress levels rise with each aftershock? Am I to continue sacrificing my dreams and plans for the future, even destroying them, because of what has happened?

In the end, I can only advise myself with the same comment I put in the Facebook thread:

Whatever you choose to do is the right choice for you! After what we have been through, and for all that we have lost as individuals and as a city, we need to ensure we live our lives and pursue our dreams. Hearts and memories will remain in Christchurch, but sometimes our dreams take us away, allowing us to heal and help people and the city ‘rebuild’ in other ways.

And what about those other ways? I am already acting as an ambassador, as I prepare to go and travel through the world, sharing my experiences, my pride and love of my city and the survivors who have remained behind and have the skills to rebuild Christchurch to be even more beautiful than before. Cafe Reflections on Christchurch Heritage is just the start of things to come!

This is The Pledge I am signing for you, Christchurch.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 7th, 2011 at 3:45 pm and is filed under Coping Techniques, The Pledge. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.